I don't remember the exact date, but I remember the circumstances very well.
After 3 months of marriage, three months of crying all the time, feeling very depressed, having occasional 'good days', going from pre-marital counseling straight into marriage counseling, hearing that 'the first year is SO hard'. After all of that, I left a counseling session feeling so much worse while my H was so much relaxed and at ease. The next morning I found myself Googling "Is it abuse if he doesn't mean to?" That day was my turning point.
The answers I found were very clear. Intention, I learned, was the wrong question. No one questions if it's abuse if he beats you up, so why would we question it for any other type. Then I found an assessment for Christian women to differentiate a difficult marriage from a destructive marriage. The last few questions of the assessment measured how likely the situation was to affect your physical health in the near future. The woman who shared the assessment on her blog noted that when she took it, her answers were all 'never' and that is what they should be for a healthy (non-abusive) marriage. My answers scared me. There were a few 'never's, but they weren't the majority. My score for the physical effects was particularly frightening.
That was the day that I said: This is abusive. This is not normal. This isn't just a hard marriage.
It was sometime a year ago. So, Happy Anniversary! Yay! (This is not sarcasm.) There are still people who don't believe my story, who think I'm exaggerating, who think we just need to try harder to make marriage work. And that's hard. It's sad. I'm exceedingly grateful that my story isn't one of 20, 30, 50 years before I realized and called it abusive. I'm grateful that we didn't spend those many years in marriage counseling trying to fix a problem that marriage counseling would never fix. Guess what: Abuse isn't a marriage problem. It occurs within a marriage, but that's just the context.
I remember that in those three months, I had looked up abuse before. I found a list of types of emotional abuse. In my desire for us to work things out, I shared with him some of the things I knew he was doing. His response: "Well, you do some of those things too!" At the time, I was quite naive about abuse, so I didn't recognize that he was using another tactic: blameshifting. Instead, I responded "Yes, and it needs to stop." I was able to own that I was doing some things wrong. He didn't. And that's the reality of the situation still today. He can't own what he is doing and has done. Without owning the problem, there's no potential for change.
That's the one key piece to why we are separated. It's the piece that counselors have said leaves little room for repentance and change. My Christian friends who value (idolize) marriage as more important than individuals tell me not to give up on God. It sounds so spiritual. But how is facing the reality of another human being and their free will to choose not to change giving up on God? I would love to be able to reply in full conviction, "Blasphemy!" Telling me not to give up on God when who I am giving up on is a human being. Effectively, they are telling me that my H is God. Blasphemy! God doesn't guarantee specific outcomes. He doesn't subvert free will of individuals. A person can't repent without confession of sin.
So, I remain separated for now. I wait for God to lead me. For now, I'm not led to return to oppression (sorry, can't say reconciliation because that takes two people) nor am I led to bring a legal end to a dead marriage. It's curious, but I can see how my remaining married has had it's benefits while traveling. I'm learning a lot about not oversharing and not trying to win anyone's approval. Hard lessons that I've needed to learn for a very long time.
"For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10
After 3 months of marriage, three months of crying all the time, feeling very depressed, having occasional 'good days', going from pre-marital counseling straight into marriage counseling, hearing that 'the first year is SO hard'. After all of that, I left a counseling session feeling so much worse while my H was so much relaxed and at ease. The next morning I found myself Googling "Is it abuse if he doesn't mean to?" That day was my turning point.
The answers I found were very clear. Intention, I learned, was the wrong question. No one questions if it's abuse if he beats you up, so why would we question it for any other type. Then I found an assessment for Christian women to differentiate a difficult marriage from a destructive marriage. The last few questions of the assessment measured how likely the situation was to affect your physical health in the near future. The woman who shared the assessment on her blog noted that when she took it, her answers were all 'never' and that is what they should be for a healthy (non-abusive) marriage. My answers scared me. There were a few 'never's, but they weren't the majority. My score for the physical effects was particularly frightening.
That was the day that I said: This is abusive. This is not normal. This isn't just a hard marriage.
It was sometime a year ago. So, Happy Anniversary! Yay! (This is not sarcasm.) There are still people who don't believe my story, who think I'm exaggerating, who think we just need to try harder to make marriage work. And that's hard. It's sad. I'm exceedingly grateful that my story isn't one of 20, 30, 50 years before I realized and called it abusive. I'm grateful that we didn't spend those many years in marriage counseling trying to fix a problem that marriage counseling would never fix. Guess what: Abuse isn't a marriage problem. It occurs within a marriage, but that's just the context.
I remember that in those three months, I had looked up abuse before. I found a list of types of emotional abuse. In my desire for us to work things out, I shared with him some of the things I knew he was doing. His response: "Well, you do some of those things too!" At the time, I was quite naive about abuse, so I didn't recognize that he was using another tactic: blameshifting. Instead, I responded "Yes, and it needs to stop." I was able to own that I was doing some things wrong. He didn't. And that's the reality of the situation still today. He can't own what he is doing and has done. Without owning the problem, there's no potential for change.
That's the one key piece to why we are separated. It's the piece that counselors have said leaves little room for repentance and change. My Christian friends who value (idolize) marriage as more important than individuals tell me not to give up on God. It sounds so spiritual. But how is facing the reality of another human being and their free will to choose not to change giving up on God? I would love to be able to reply in full conviction, "Blasphemy!" Telling me not to give up on God when who I am giving up on is a human being. Effectively, they are telling me that my H is God. Blasphemy! God doesn't guarantee specific outcomes. He doesn't subvert free will of individuals. A person can't repent without confession of sin.
So, I remain separated for now. I wait for God to lead me. For now, I'm not led to return to oppression (sorry, can't say reconciliation because that takes two people) nor am I led to bring a legal end to a dead marriage. It's curious, but I can see how my remaining married has had it's benefits while traveling. I'm learning a lot about not oversharing and not trying to win anyone's approval. Hard lessons that I've needed to learn for a very long time.
"For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10
